Category Archives: Ministry Blogs

Ministry Marriages, Part Three: Nurturing Your Relationship

Posted on by

0

 

It’s easy to get so busy in the ministry that you neglect your marriage relationship, but that relationship is foundational to your ministry. A man may be a powerful preacher or able administrator, but if his marriage relationship is in chaos, his ministry will be greatly hampered. Harmony in the relationship is key to a harmonious ministry.

Remember when you were first “in love”? When he looked at you, you felt like a beauty queen.  When she looked at you, you felt like lightning was coursing through your body. After several years of marriage you begin to understand that a lot of that physical attraction is just hormones. Yes, a good sexual relationship will help a marriage and protect it from outside attack, but there’s got to be more to a relationship that that. In time libido will wane, and then what will you have left?

Art and I have been married more than forty years. More and more I see that the biggest hunk of marital love is  friendship and companionship.  You may change ministries. You may move away from family. But a marriage should last a lifetime. If your marriage relationship is weak, your ministry will suffer too. So how can you protect and nurture your marriage relationship?

Trust

Proverbs 31 says of the virtuous woman, “The heart of her husband safely trusts her.” (NKJV)

Your marriage partner should be able to completely trust you and you should be able to trust him. That means you don’t sneak around behind his back and do things you know he wouldn’t approve of. You make decisions that fit with agreements you have already made. You don’t undermine his authority. You know her well enough to know what she’ll like or won’t like and try to please her. You honor joint agreements. You know what your spouse wants to be consulted on and when he doesn’t mind if you make decisions for him and you honor that.

If you can’t trust your marriage partner totally or you can’t be trusted, your relationship will suffer greatly.

Consideration

Art often quotes 1 Peter 3:7 to married men. “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them (your wives) with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” (NKJV)

That means a husband needs to consider the needs and desires of his wife. When he makes decisions he needs to consider what’s best for his wife and delight in making her happy. His decision shouldn’t run over her needs.

At the same time a wife needs to consider her husband, how to help him and make him happy.

Simple kindness and consideration for each other is a big part of what makes a marriage relationship strong.

One thing I love about Art is the fact that he takes care of my silly but precious things like dolls, teddy bears, or collectables. If they are important to me, they’re important to him.

Friendship

Your marriage partner should be your best friend for life. That means you need to nurture that friendship. You may have separate interests that you like to pursue, and that is healthy, but you should also have things you like to do together.

What do you like to talk about? Are those things encouraging to you, or do they discourage? Can you read or view something together that gives you more to talk about? Is one person doing most of the talking and the other mainly listening? Encourage each other to share the things that mean a lot to you. Thank each other for sharing even when you don’t agree. Instead of censuring your partner, listen to understand his or her viewpoint.

Develop common interests. You may encourage each other in private pursuits, but you should also have things you enjoy doing together. After a while boredom may step in, so consider breaking the mold and beginning a new joint venture.

Art has always been a fast distance runner. He picks up any sport naturally and well. I’m hopeless at sports but love creative crafts and writing. We’ve each pursued our own interests, but we also learn from the other. I understand more about sports than I used to. Art will sometimes talk about writing issues. But we both like to rummage around garage sales and second hand stores. Sure, our house gets full of silly collectables sometimes and we have to restrain ourselves or recycle things we have previously loved. But looking for bargains brings us closer together. I don’t know just why.

Of course, we both love to go snorkelling on the Great Barrier Reef as well. (Who wouldn’t?)

Life is busy for everyone these days. Follow a diet. Spend time with your kids. Increase your skills. Keep up with social networks. Excel at your job. But in your busyness, don’t neglect your marriage relationship or it will affect your ministry and almost every area of your life.

Part Four will discuss managing your finances.

Ministry Marriages, Part Two: Working as a Team

Posted on by

0

 

In my last blog I began talking about ministry marriages and how to nurture them.  A couple can have a much more effective ministry by working together as a team than by each going their separate ways. Building that harmony into a marriage isn’t always easy, but good harmony will bless everyone around them.

Scripture pictures marriage as being like two oxen yoked together. The man and wife should be moving in the same direction at the same pace for the same purpose. This need for unity is especially important in a ministry marriage. If a couple is not united in purpose and are going separate directions, their ministry will suffer.

Have you ever met a passionate, gifted pastor with a wife who wished she could be someplace else? Doesn’t work very well, does it? Or maybe you’ve met a woman who longed to be in ministry and was trying to drag her husband along with her. God doesn’t lead a couple together and then give them mutually exclusive ministries.

Wives can help their husbands by supporting their ministries and working alongside them to see those ministries thrive. Husbands can help their wives by recognizing their gifts and encouraging them to use them.

More than forty years ago Art Brammer felt the Lord calling him to a missions ministry in Taiwan. He was training for ministry at Faith Baptist Bible College. I was attending the same college, eager to be involved in ministry and searching for God’s will. Two weeks after we started dating, Art told me about his desire to be a missionary to Taiwan and wondered if I would be open to the possibility. I told him I felt God was leading me to write for Christian publication, but I was also open to missions. The Lord led us together in marriage, then to Taiwan for sixteen years, then on to New Zealand in 1998.

Unity of purpose has helped us to work well together in various times of ministry. We both cared about the same people and ministries, though we had different jobs within those ministries.

Here are some ways I support Art in his ministry:

  1. Support and encourage his teaching ministry and ideas, both privately and publicly.
  2. Give feedback in a positive way. At times Art says something from the pulpit that comes out sounding like he means something different than I know he does. At times like that I mention it to him in private and allow him to correct it as he sees fit. I also try to get a sense of how people are responding to various ideas or events in the church and communicate that to him privately. Are we having enough or too many fellowship nights? Are people ready to make various changes? Who might be ready to fill a certain church office? Is a church member struggling with something?
  3. Offer suggestions for programs or events in the church. Art is a great plodder. He never grows weary of studying and he prepares well for all of his teaching and preaching times throughout the week. It’s easier for me, however, to come up with ideas for outreaches, programs, and events in our church. When I think of a new idea I run it past him. Sometimes these ideas don’t fly, but often, in talking about the idea, we come up with something that works well. Art doesn’t resent my ideas. He welcomes them, though he doesn’t use all of them.
  4. Complement his ministry with my ministry. I teach, plan, play the piano, lead programs, and do what I can do to help our team ministry prosper.

But Art also supports me in my ministry.

  1. He recognizes my gifts and encourages me to use them.

Yes, he’s happy for me to use my gifts in our church-planting ministry, but throughout all these years he has also encouraged me to write for Christian publication. This takes time, energy, sometimes finances, which I have to carve out of my life in addition to church ministry. He encourages me to do this because he wants me to be happy and because he recognizes the Lord leading me to do these things.

  1. He gives me feedback about my church ministry and my writing ministry. He gives suggestions and help. He’s my first editor.
  2. He helps me in areas of need. He works through computer problems and handles my writing finances. He encourages me to go to writing conferences when I can, and order helpful books or resources. When I plan events at church he’s the first to help me set up or clean up. When I plan a book launch he’s the quiet helper who makes everything work.

When a husband and wife work together in accordance with God’s will, ministry becomes more effective and rewarding. The hard times become more bearable. Without that unity of purpose, however, the ministry suffers and the marriage does too. Even when a couple is serving in separate ministries, they can support each other in a way that makes them stronger in each individual ministry.

Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be likeminded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 15:5-6 (NKJV)

In Part Three I’ll talk about nurturing your relationship.

Ministry Marriages Part One, Building Harmony into Your Marriage

Posted on by

0

 

How can couples in ministry protect and nurture their marriages toward more love and unity? I’m no marriage expert but my husband and I have worked in harmony in ministry  for over forty years. During that time we’ve grieved as we’ve seen some couples in ministry break up or struggle in their relationship while others draw great strength and encouragement from their marriages.

When a couple works together in harmony, each doing his or her own part in a way that blends with the other, the result is a beautiful ministry. Like a symphony, their marriage blend blesses the couple first of all, and then the people they minister to. On the other hand, when the couple fight each other and go in separate directions, the result is a clashing cacophony.

In a marriage, what makes the difference between that beautiful symphony and the clashing cacophony?

In the next few blogs I’m going to share my thoughts on marriage based on Scripture and what I’ve observed through the years.

Part One: Making Decisions

Submission and individual freedom need to be balanced or the marriage will suffer. Either extreme will affect the harmony of the marriage.

Suzy works hard to be a submissive wife. Sam speaks with authority and Suzy obeys. She hardly makes any decisions without consulting Sam first. Once he speaks on a subject, she follows his desires without question. If she disagrees with his decision, she prays that God will give her a submissive heart. She may not enjoy doing what Sam says, but she feels responsible before God to obey him. If Sam makes unwise decisions, she figures he is responsible to God for them. She leaves herself in God’s hands, satisfied that she has done her part and must leave the result to God.  In their church ministry Sam writes Suzy’s job description and she fills it. She never disagrees with her husband in public. When people ask Suzy for advice she refers them to Sam and she doesn’t answers questions without consulting him first. She never offers or accepts invitations or makes plans without consulting Sam first.

Edward and Enid, on the other hand, believe in perfect equality in a marriage. Edward makes his decisions; Enid makes hers. They negotiate to make joint decisions come out 50/50. He doesn’t tell Enid how to live and she doesn’t nag him. Edward makes jokes at her expense from the pulpit. She publicly criticizes him. In conversations they often correct each other or argue over who is right. Neither one can offer or accept invitations without consulting the other. Each speaks for himself or herself, but will not answer for each other.

These two couples show two extreme views of submission and individual freedom. Suzy takes submission to such an extreme that she doesn’t even need to think for herself. Sam, on the other hand, misses out on a lot of help Suzy could give. Enid works so hard to be equal that she loses some of the benefits of marriage, while Edward’s ministry would profit from her support.

Scripture does talk about submission, but an extreme view of it can destroy a marriage.

Ephesians 5 teaches us that wives need to be submissive to their husbands, but that we all need to submit to one another. A husband should love his wife in the same way Christ loved the church.  1 Peter 3 also admonishes wives to be submissive to their husbands and husbands to live with their wives with understanding, giving honor to them. It calls husbands and wives “heirs together of the grace of life.”

So who gets to make the decisions?

The husband, as head of the house, is responsible for final decisions on major issues. He should lovingly lead his family in spiritual issues as well as more mundane matters.

A Christian wife, however, brings her own unique gifts and abilities to the table. She can also be led by the Holy Spirit and should be capable of making wise decisions. A Christian husband can and should be able to learn from his wife.

A couple should work together in an open and trusting relationship in which each works for the good of the other. Marriage can add  a vitamin boost of energy to your ministry or it can drain all the nutrients and make your ministry anemic.

Each couple needs to work out the way they will implement these principles. Both need to give and take. Both need to recognize the strengths of the other. Who will make what decisions?  What will they do when they disagree? How will they work out differences?

Our marriage

Art and I compartmentalize many decisions. He decides car issues and many house maintenance and lawn issues. I get to rule the kitchen. I make suggestions about our ministry. He sifts them and implements many of them. He decides what computer to buy. I purchase clothing and small home purchases. He drives, I ride.

Many other things we talk about until we come to an agreement. Sometimes a decision is more important to one of us than the other. The one who cares least allows the other one to decide. Sometimes one of us gives in because it doesn’t seem that important. Art’s a gentleman and wants to make me happy so that helps a lot. It’s rare that both of us feel really strongly about a decision and take opposite sides. Rarely I might need to give in, even though I disagree, simply because he’s the husband and I leave it to him.

We did have one issue on which we didn’t agree. When it came up it really upset me and robbed me of any kind of peace. We had agreed that neither one of us would use money for this purpose unless we both agreed on it. The issue surfaced at unpredictable times and always left me feeling unsettled. Finally I said, “Take x amount of dollars a year to use for that cause and I’ll leave you alone about it. I don’t want to hear about it or talk about it. Just use the money to do what you feel you need to.” In that unusual situation, that was the best way to make peace.

A balanced view of submission and individual freedom will reflect these Biblical principles:

The husband is the loving leader of the home.

  • Each person brings gifts and skills to the table. Each will be better qualified to make certain decisions.
  • Each person needs to have freedom to make many decisions by themselves.
  • Each person should consider the feelings and needs of the other when making decisions.
  • Each person should trust each other and be trustworthy.
  • Each person should be giving and taking. No one should get his or her way most of the time while running over the feelings and desires of the other.

 

In Part Two I’ll discuss working as a team.

Ministry Marriages

Posted on by

0

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. There’s even a song about it. Couples in ministry usually find extra opportunities for ministry over the Christmas season. So you would expect ministry couples to feel their closest to each other at Christmas.

Statistically speaking, however, Christmas is a tough time on relationships. December 11, exactly two weeks before Christmas, is the day couples are most likely to break up. Many unmarried couples break up then because their relationships aren’t going well and they can’t bear to go through the holidays pretending everything is all right. Even for married couples, the Christmas season with its many family expectations and social gatherings can be hard to get through when your marriage is struggling.

We expect ministry marriages to be bullet proof, but couples in ministry have the same sort of problems as couples in the pews. Added to the normal stresses of life, ministry couples often deal with the struggles that other couples face as they seek to counsel and help Christians in crisis. Just as ministry couples try to plan more time for family traditions and social gatherings, they are often expected to produce extra services and ministries at Christmas. Each activity may be fun and rewarding, but added all together they can put a strain on their own family relationships. And then the global pandemic has added its own challenges this year.

Personally, I find my marriage is the easiest part of my ministry. I thank the Lord for that. But I’ve found that many marriages struggle in ways no outsiders would ever suspect. Here are some tips for these last few days of the Christmas season:

  • Be kind to everyone. You don’t always know who is struggling.
  • Don’t let Christmas get out of control. If traditions or obligations are stressing you or your family, take some activities off your list.
  • Spend time with family and friends doing simple things you can enjoy.
  • Tell your family you love them, that you’re proud of them, and why.

If you get past Christmas and your marriage is still struggling:

  • Make working on your marriage a top priority.
  • Talk out your problems with your spouse.
  • Become accountable to a trusted person outside your marriage. Activities you keep secret can kill your marriage before you even have a chance to work things out. If you’re not okay, you need to tell someone who can help.
  • Make space for quality time with your spouse and your children.
  • Determine to find a good balance between your ministry and your family.

I hope your Christmas 2020 will build your relationships and not tear them down. May God bless your marriage and ministry this Christmas.

Deb Brammer

 

 

 

 

 

Teaching Christian Kids about Gender and Racial Issues

Posted on by

0

Parents need the support of the church more than ever today. When children go to public school, they especially need the church to back up good teaching.

When I was in high school evolution was the big problem. Textbooks taught evolution as if it were fact. In most museums and national parks today, the idea that the world is billions of years old is automatically assumed. Students can get the idea that their parents and teachers believe what the Bible teaches, but scientists know better. They sometimes think scientists have proven evolution as a scientific face and the earth has to be billions of years old. While this is far from true, the teaching they receive in schools can make them doubt the truth of the Bible. Churches can help students have faith in God and his Word when they teach creation in a way that shows the credibility of the Bible.

In my last blog I talked about a common problem Christian parents have in New Zealand. Maori, the native people of New Zealand, have many ancestral stories which talk about their gods and the part they supposedly played in creation and other parts in life. The public schools use these stories to teach respect for the Maori culture. Since these stories often contradict the Bible, they can undermine Bible teaching that students get at church.

Gender Identity

Gender identity is another big issue parents face today. Public schools in New Zealand may soon be forced to teach curriculum that actively teaches that gender stereotypes are harmful and students should be able to choose their gender identity. Even now our church parents say their children are being taught these things at in school or bringing home library books that normalize having two daddies or two mommies.

These dangerous ideas are beginning to be taught to children as young as five:

  • Gender identity as male, female, both or neither is determined by a person’s feelings
  • A person is sexual from birth
  • The proper time to begin sexual activity is whenever one is ready
  • If you speak out against people being able to change their gender at will, you’re guilty of hate speech

At this time, not every public school is teaching all of these things, but curriculum has been developed for public school use that teaches these things. These are the kinds of ideas students are now hearing at school at a very young age. Find out more here.

If we say and do nothing about these things our children will hear, they may decide that teachers a school are better educated than their parents and thus know the “real scientific truth” about them. Several parents in our church have brought these gender issues to my attention because of teaching or library books their children have brought home. This has shown me I need to address these issues in Discovery Club.

There are several dangers in addressing gender issues like this. If I say too much about it, I may actually spark an unhealthy amount of interest in the subject. If I say nothing, my students may believe wrong teaching or think it doesn’t matter. Without guiding students’ responses to students who struggle with gender identity, I could trigger arrogance, insensitivity, or disrespectful remarks in them.

Racial Equality

Racial Issues are also becoming prominent in today’s world. Some children live in an area with great racial diversity. Others live in areas with very little diversity. All need to know what God says about on the topic. When teaching small children, it’s probably not wise to dig into historical wrongs and how to make them right. But clear Biblical teaching can give children a strong foundation to build their worldview on. These are things we can clearly teach:

  • All people come from one blood. Share the same ancestors, Adam and Eve and Noah and his wife. All belong to the human race. Acts 17:24 – 26.
  • Nationalities developed different skin colors and physical characteristics as different people groups settled in different areas of the world. Genesis 11:1-9.
  • Just as men and women are equal in Christ, so are the various nationalities. Galatians 3:28
  • All cultures have positive elements to their culture as well as negative, sinful ones. We need to judge cultural ideas by the Bible. Many cultural differences are not right or wrong, they are just different.
  • We can all learn from others. Very early in the church we see diversity. The Ethiopian treasurer (a man of high rank in Acts 8) and Simeon who was called Niger (a prophet or teacher in Acts 13:1) were probably black men.

Who Am I? – Lesson Plan to Teach about these Issues

I don’t plan to teach a whole lesson centered around gender identity. Instead I want to talk about our identity in Christ. In that way gender identity doesn’t become too big. It’s just one aspect of who we are. Racial equality also fits nicely into the topic.

Here’s a brief outline that you can use to teach about our identity in Christ and how to deal with others of different opinions.

  1. God created people in his image. Genesis 1:27-31

Because of that people are like God in these ways:

  • They live forever somewhere.
  • They can reason, figure things out to a high degree, make decisions.
  • They can create ideas and use them in art, literature, music, and science.
  • They know the difference between right and wrong and can make moral choices.
  • They communicate with each other on a very high social level.

God created people to be either male or female.

  • They would be the mothers and fathers that would bear children and fill the earth.
  • They would take care of the plants and animals around them.
  • They would form families to take care of each other.
  • God’s creation of people in this way was very good.

God planned for people to be scattered over the earth and develop physical characteristics as a people group like skin color and facial structure.

  • All people come from one blood. Share the same ancestors, Adam and Eve and Noah and his wife. All belong to the human race. Acts 17:24 – 26.
  • Nationalities developed different skin colors and physical characteristics as different people groups settled in different areas of the world. Genesis 11:1-9.
  • He wanted all people to come to salvation. Matthew 28:19, 20; 2 Peter 3:9.
  • All people are equal in Christ. Galatians 3:28.
  • We can all learn from others. Very early in the church we see diversity. The Ethiopian treasurer (a man of high rank in Acts 8) and Simeon who was called Niger (a prophet or teacher in Acts 13:1) were probably black men.
  1. God planned out your life before you were born. Psalm 139: 13-16
  • He planned out everything that would happen to you before you were born.
  • He helped form you in your mother’s body from the moment your life began inside of her.
  • He made you to be a boy or girl, and choose how you would look and what you would be like.
  • You weren’t born in the wrong body. God doesn’t make mistakes.
  • He put you in the right family, the right country, to have the right nationality.
  • He is giving you the right opportunities to develop skills and abilities you need.
  • No one else can be you. God has a special plan for your life. You need to find his plan and follow it.
  1. Jesus died for your salvation before you were born. Romans 5:6-8
  • You are a sinner because sin entered the world. You do wrong things.
  • Jesus died to provide salvation, but you have to choose to accept his gift.
  • To be your best self, you need to follow God’s will and obey him.
  1. God made you to bring him glory. 1 Corinthians 10:31
  • My main purpose in life should be to bring him glory, not to do what I want.
  1. Every other person was also made in God’s image and is loved by God. John 3:16

 

  1. How should you treat someone who you disagree with, when they are wrong by the Bible? 1 Peter 2:17
  • We should treat every person with respect, no matter who they are.
  • We should never bully anyone.
  • You should treat people with respect, even if they think things that don’t agree with the Bible.

Situation #1 (gender identity):

A friend in your class at school says that he was born a boy, but he feels like he’s in the wrong body. He’s going to identify as a girl now. He wants you to call him a girl and use female pronouns for him.

Treating him these ways would show disrespect:

  • Make fun of him.
  • Tell him you think it’s stupid for him to say he’s a girl.
  • Refuse to call him by his name if he’s chosen a new one.
  • Refuse to play with him.
  • When he’s in your school group project, try to exclude him.

Treating him these ways would show respect:

  • You can be kind to him without agreeing with his decision to do this.
  • When you talk to your friends about him, be kind and point out good things about him.
  • Call him the name he asks to be called, just as you would do for anyone else.
  • If someone asks you, you can say you think God makes us the way we are and we should stay the way we are born. But don’t do this in private in a way that shows you think you are better than him.

Situation #2 (racial diversity):

A new girl becomes part of your class at school. She is a Muslim and wears a hijab (he – JOB or HE-job). You’ve heard that some Muslims have done bad things to Christians. How should you treat her?

Treating her these ways would show disrespect:

  • Make fun of her hijab.
  • Make fun of the way she talks.
  • Exclude her from a game you’re playing during break.
  • Ignore her and walk away.

Treating her these ways would show respect:

  • Be friendly to her.
  • Explain things to her if she doesn’t understand.
  • Include her in a game you’re playing during break.
  • If others don’t want to play with her because she’s a Muslim, you can say that you don’t agree with her religion, but she’s still a nice girl and needs to be included. Think of how you would want someone to treat you if you were far from home, didn’t always understand, and found it hard to join in fun with others.

Situation #3 (evolution):

Your teacher says the earth started billions of years ago with a big explosion. You believe the Bible and think she is wrong.

How you could show her disrespect:

  • Speak up in front of the class and tell her she’s wrong.
  • Tell your friends she’s stupid to believe that.

How you could show her respect:

  • Go to the teacher privately and tell her you know many people believe the things she said, but you’re a Christian and you believe God created the earth like the Bible says.
  • Tell your friends privately the same thing, but show respect for the teacher.